Todd and Ronin inspired musings.

These two.

Todd doesn't know what's what or who's who anymore, but Ronin loves messing with him.... and also comforting him.

I can't bring myself to "make that call" with Todd. Not only can I not afford to anyway right now.... but I really struggle with "playing God."

Yes, I get that we're doing this for them and not to them.

Yes, I understand it's "our last gift."

I get it all.

But I also believe that experiencing old age- and all the age-related struggles that come with it- is also a gift and a right, too. A part of the full life experience.

I'm unbelievably torn when it comes to this, it haunts me every day. I struggled immensely with this with Chip, too, though his situation was a bit more dire. I had cancelled "the appointment" 6 times before actually following through with it.

I'd always heard, "you'll know when it's time. You'll see the sign." And while I finally got that sign, the decision tormented me for months upon end.... as it is now with my little Todd.

When Chip had stopped eating (big sign for any dog, but especially for Chip), that's what I interpreted as "the sign." Up until that point, I had been playing cat and mouse with the blood that would pool then retreat in his left eye, and lymphoma had just swallowed his entire body. I still strongly believe this was due to the fact that his rescue group had neutered him at the ripe age of *13 weeks* (waaaay before his reproductive system even had a chance to fully develop and his hormones got to go to where they needed to go and do what they needed to do), plus any other genetics that may have contributed. Otherwise, Chip (along with all my other monkeys) had led an exceptionally healthy life--zero conventional preventatives, titer testing in lieu of vaccinations, a clean, species and biologically appropriate diet, filtered water, daily walks/hikes/exercise, calm home environment, etc.

Caring for 4 seniors with different age-related things going on is utterly exhausting (there are no more patterns-- no fluidity-- just always being "on call" for different things) and emotionally taxing, but I love these guys (and gal) with all my heart. I don't know what the future holds for us given the times and the state of things right now, but I'll never discard them. Never give them less than they deserve. I see so many posts of 19 yr olds, 14 yr olds, etc. being dumped at shelters. The expressions on these dogs' faces.... their bewilderment, fear, and confusion.... seeing them spending their final days in a cold cell until they're euthanized for space is utterly heartbreaking. That was their grand finale. Their end of life.

Anyways, musings inspired by these two as I continue to try and figure out next steps in life and business. The uncertainty around this thing I've poured my heart and soul into ... that was so strong, healthy, and thriving for nearly 15 years... has also been quite depleting. If you're reading this, and you have family, strong friendships, a trusted support system, a steady paycheck, fulfilling work, a *home*, etc... please... don't ever take it for granted.