…the last day.

Sitting here watching time tick away.

Talking to Raiyna. Trying to soak up every last moment.

A few days ago, as I was on a pack walk with the boys, I was in prayer. Asking for clear signs regarding Raiyna. Asking for help with this decision. I'd asked for things I typically don't see if it was "her time" (what I struggle with, is if it is "their time"--- then why doesn't God/Nature make this choice for them?!?). I'd asked for: a frog, a catfish, and a hawk feather (detached from the body, since hawks are here and seen every day).

When I was looking through old pictures, a picture of Raiyna (with hawk feathers in the background) appeared.

Later, I saw a comment from someone on social media about something --- with a frog emoji in it.

Never saw a catfish, but then a "rainbow bridge" message from someone whose handle is "RainbowBridgeRaina" (?!??!!) showed up. I'd **never** heard of this person/page before... and I just sat staring at it in tears.

(pictures here)

I got the signs I'd asked for, so an in-home assistance was scheduled for today. Raiyna always shook like a leaf if we ever had to set foot in a vet's office (which was a rarity), and I wanted to make this as stress-free as possible.

Since she's at most peace outside in the sunshine, the appointment was planned to take place in her favorite spot in the back yard.

The last few days have been absolutely beautiful.... clear skies, bright sun, warmth....so the chances of today being the same were high---- or so I thought.

Today is cloudy. Gray. And cool.

Dammit.

Thankfully, she slept through the night last night. This is the 4th night in a row we've had a good rest night. There were a few rough nights prior to that, then another string of good nights prior to that.

I'm still debating my decision to do this.

Even with the clear signs.

Right now, she's resting peacefully in her favorite donut bed.

She'll get up and pace a bit, but always wanders back to her little donut of happiness.

"Drop Dead Diva" is on the TV (new favorite morning obsession on the Hallmark Channel). The fireplace is roaring. Ronin and Franklin are curled up to my right....and I'm sitting here trying to write my way to some sense of peace with this.... some sort of clarity.... resolution.

I waited far too long to assist my precious little Todd. He lived with his dementia for longer than he should have. My focus was on keeping him safe and comfortable, allowing him the privilege of experiencing his senior years, and hoping God and Nature would determine "his time." Not me.

This is such an unbelievably hard call to make.

To know when's too soon, if it's okay to coast and allow the experience, or not soon enough.

But I also understand nothing will ever improve or get better.

It'll only get worse from here.

The doctor will be here in 2 hours.... and I feel absolutely sick to my stomach.

At least someone's enjoying a hot air balloon ride off in the distance....

Time to get the dogs out for their morning yard romp, and burn off some of Ronin's endless energy.