The 7th Big Human Thing that Contributes to the Big Dog Things

Not too long ago, I wrote a series on the "6 big human things that contribute to dog things." It spoke to the varying things that influence and impact the relationship we have with our dogs, their perception of us, and their behavior.

One of the "things" that wasn't highlighted is EGO (how did I miss this one?!).

Ego can get in the way of receiving help, and also get in the way providing sound, valuable help. It can destroy relationships, businesses, creativity.....

And, sadly, dogs bear the brunt of people and their egos in many ways- shouldering labels, judgment, and blame usually because their behaviors are misinterpreted and misunderstood, and they're also with humans who are too proud to seek help, too proud to receive help, and/or aren't ready to accept or assume any level of responsibility for any part they may have played.

What's depicted in the graphic is what most people think of when they hear the word "ego", and there's usually a negative connotation that comes along with it. We’ll often hear people saying someone "has a huge ego" in terms of vanity and self-absorption; but the truth is, anyone with “a huge ego” is someone with a deep reservoir of wounds.

Ego is separation and disconnection from our authentic selves. It's the pain body at work. The wounded self. And the attitude and approach to life that develops from this place.

Ego is the part of ourselves that’s frozen in time, usually at a very young age. Its voice, language, reactions, etc. all come from this place. Passive aggressiveness, anger, fear, all the tactics the wounded parts of our younger selves used (and still use) to seek a feeling of safety, anesthetize pain, and simply feel acknowledged. To get that attention we so craved.

When someone is acting through ego, they're acting through wounding. Oftentimes, it's an attempt to safeguard, self-preserve, and self-protect. What may be perceived as arrogance, entitlement, an elevated sense of self-importance, superiority, or self-centeredness, is actually woundedness. A mistrust of "life". Of people. Of Self. It's the attempt not to feel the pain associated with earlier experiences, and the act of either discharging any discomfort or covering up / hiding this part of us so it's not seen.

Ego is born through experience within the first few years of life. From the purity, wholeness, bundle of complete love, and authentic truth that a newborn baby is.... to toddler-hood, childhood, pre-teen and teen-hood, young adult and adulthood, the experiences we have shape us. What we bear witness to. The level of emotional health, well-being, and **availability** of those responsible for our care and development (emotional unavailability, and lack of emotional health and regulation is a worldwide epidemic). We lose touch with our authentic selves and start to redefine ourselves as products of what was encountered.

Since we are all here having a life experience, we all have an ego.

Ego is an outcome. It's a byproduct. It's the result of what was witnessed, what wasn't provided, trauma and the internal impact trauma had, and our attempt to cover up, armor up, and self-protect.

Ego prevents honest, authentic communication, connections, and relationships, and lives on a steady diet of external validation.

When someone or something scratches the surface of a painful belief we may have developed about ourselves or something we judge ourselves for, its ego to the rescue. Pitchforks, broomstick, and all.

I believe we’re composed of two main parts: Truth (Soul) and Untruth (Ego).

Ego reacts. Truth responds.

Ego fears. Truth is confident, faithful, and surefooted.

Ego is anxious and apprehensive. Truth is calm and composed.

Ego lives in the past and in the future ( “what if’ land”; e.g. “what if” I do “x” and “y” happens). Truth has its feet planted firmly in the present moment.

Ego is part of the human experience: its size directly proportional to the size of our wounding... and our level of healing.

Ego is inescapable, and is simply the byproduct of being born into a world of brokenness and disconnection. A world of people struggling to remember who they are, heal from the hurt caused by others who are hurting, and deal with this hurt to reach some level of safety.

We see the Ego in play through every exchange. I, for one, am constantly trying to catch mine before she chimes in. I remain hyper-aware of my triggers, old (and new) wounding, personal filters and default settings, and spend my moments and days in healing work and personal development. Actively and consciously working on my healing so I don’t add to the pain and woundedness of the world around me. Sometimes she gets the best of me, other times I remain grounded in my truth.

Since we’re always in conversation with who and what’s outside of us, I - personally- want what I’m sharing and bringing into the world to come from a space of lightness, peace, faith, joy, and love. These are feelings which are quite foreign to me as I've experienced a great deal of trauma in life; and trying to heal, move beyond, and detach from it is, admittedly, a lot of hard work. Some days I have epic fails. Other days I'm on cruise control.... and such is life.

We tend to repeat patterns, and attract relationships and circumstances that maintain what we know, are used to, and understand how to navigate- even if it's not-so-good for us. Why? Because it's familiar, and there's a level of certainty that comes with it. It's known territory.

Certainty gives us a sense of "less risk." Less risk for additional upheaval and pain, especially for those who've experienced trauma (which is the entire human race in varying degrees). What's known, familiar, expected, and whose waters have already been traversed, is categorized as less risky and "safe"... even if it's not good for us.

To help us better understand and deal with the Ego, I introduce a 5-Step Ego Rehab process that I go into a bit deeper in the book and in the online course:

Recognize- becoming aware of the moments a trigger is activated and a certain feeling is felt.

Examine- inspecting what’s underlying the trigger, as the trigger is symptomatic of a root, core issue / discrepancy.

Hug the Hurt - the last thing our triggers need is more judgment, shame, suppression, silencing, etc. Hug the hurt. Befriend it. Send it love. This is what it needs the most.

Acceptance- after “hugging the hurt”, we accept Ego in all of its glory and as a natural part of the human experience. We all have Egos. The key is to accept this part of us, continue our work in healing its origin, and develop the capacity to manage it in healthier ways.

Become- becoming more of who we already are in our truth, and unbecoming all we are not through the separation from our truth.

Whenever my Ego kicks in, I’ve trained myself to become more reflective and curious about it- responding with, “Interesting... thanks for sharing" or "Interesting... tell me more" (when I have a moment to really get to the heart of why it's flaring). Easier said than done, but this is why they call it "personal development." If one thing is for certain, we're all always in a constant state of development, doing, undoing, healing, and redefining.