The “quality of life” talk.

I just had a "quality of life" discussion with a vet about Chip... and Todd. It's not just about the biological things still working and functioning (eating, pooping, etc), but more about day-to-day functioning and feeling. She said she didn't feel "quality of life" was in existence for either dog at this point.

This is all so effing surreal.

So unbelievably effing surreal.

Every single day I've struggled with this. Deeply, *deeply* struggled, and have been a sobbing, absolute mess of a person.

I'm trying so hard to regroup for all of their sakes, but am failing miserably.

I don't want either dog to suffer and not enjoy their life with me, or just life in general....and I also cannot fathom a single moment without them. Literally. Cannot fathom it.

I don't know how anyone does this.... I'm a "strong" person, but not like this. Not in this way.

Cerebrally, I get it.

Spiritually, I get it.

This being the "one last gift", I get it.

"Circle of life", I get it.

Them "always being there even after they've gone", I get it. I've often expressed these same sentiments.

But my heart doesn't get it.... and absolutely refuses to get it it seems.

Words cannot express what my dogs mean to me....and these two have been such immense sources of joy, comfort, peace, love.... everything pure and good. They've been home to me for years, and have been confidants, best friends, teachers... family.

Last night I had a dream that ended with Chip having a grand mal seizure. Knowing I've had a number of dreams before where "the event" happens at the 2 day mark (when Tucker passed, I had 2 specific dreams. Both of which occurred two days prior to 2 specific events. I write about them here: https://www.facebook.com/PackFit2014/posts/410903857709422), I awoke with fear and this gut-wrenching, painstaking decision I feel I'm being called to make.

I've been doing all I can to keep Chip and Todd both safe, comfortable, as healthy and strong as possible...to keep our pack "in tact" and together... but it's not enough anymore. I'm teetering between feeling both selfish and selfless at the same time.

Little Todd. The Todd-father. The sweetest little dog~ truly a therapy dog moonlighting as a "pet" dog. Todd was the bridge between his kind and our kind... even between his kind and his kind. He turned the "I'm-not-a-dog-person" people into dog people, and also turned the "I'm-not-a-little-dog-person" into "little dog people". Although a Chihuahua / Min Pin mix, he was definitely atypical of either breed... and, hands down, the absolute best snuggler on the planet. Truly a one of a kind.

And Chip... my little chocoate Chip. Of course, I've been carrying on about him for weeks upon end already....

I worry about the rest of our little family. The rest of the pack. Franklin, the foster-turned-permanent family member, will be totally fine. Levi ... I feel will be fine. Raiyna... is a different story. She's deeply bonded to her boys, especially little Todd. Todd helped her through losing Tucker, and also in raising the rest of the monkeys who'd join the crew.

I want to do what's best for them....but am... just really struggling with all of this.

I also realize I'm speaking in past tense about them when they're still here with us... perhaps it's all part of this weeks and months long emotional "preparation"... I dunno.

We're truly a family here... and all of this is just.... f*cking surreal.

(Again, my apologies for all the postings about this. Writing about it all and receiving your stories, pictures of your beloved animal companions, and all the words of love and support has been helpful during this time.... so I thank you.)