Missing you.

This is too much to handle.

It's too heavy.

Too big.

Your brothers, sister, and I just got back from our morning pack walk. I can't stop crying. This isn't just grief... it's complete and utter despair.

I don't know how to live and function in a world where you don't exist, Chip. I don't want to be in this house anymore. It doesn't feel like home. It feels eery and empty. I don't want to walk the streets of this neighborhood anymore. Our favorite wooded pathways. There's no joy in them anymore. Our pack, our little family is incomplete without you here. Life is incomplete without you here. There is no "home" or "family" without you in it.

Chip, you and I could communicate through a simple look. We were so in sync. So in tune. Nothing else was ever needed.

I miss you. I miss your "sniff kisses" (it was a rare treat to get an actual tongue lick; Chip gave "sniff kisses"). You were always somewhere around me. If ever anything was not okay, you were right by my side. I often said you were like a "kitty cat", because of how would rub yourself up against me.

I miss the game we used to play, where I'd blow lightly in your face- and you'd bury your head in between your paws or under a blanket with a funny little moan. Then you'd pop out and ask me to do it again... we'd play this little game for minutes upon end.

I get that you'll always be with me and are here with me now.... but it's not enough. I don't *want* to move on without you. I don't *want* to know what life is like without you in it. No!

I keep reminding myself that your brothers and sister also need me. That PackFit and our beloved clients need me.... but I can't find my footing. I can't find my grip or my focus.

The spiritual side of me is reminding me you're still with me... that it wasn't goodbye.... things happen *for* us.... there's a gift in pain, tragedy, and hardship....then I just get pissed off.

It hasn't even been a full 24 hours yet.... I keep thinking to myself, "this time yesterday, Chip was still with me".... "this time yesterday, I was out front with Chip doing Nosework with him so he could get some food in his system".... "this time yesterday, I could run my fingers through his beautiful coat, kiss his head, and bury my face in his fur", which I often did. My precious boy was still attached to the other end of his name... I could say it and see him perk up.

I'm a strong person, but not like this. Not in this way. My world has been shattered, and I don't know how to pick up the pieces.

I haven't slept in days. I don't want to eat. I don't want to work out. I don't want to do anything except wake up from this horrible, horrible nightmare and numb the pain. I feel like a walking zombie. Like a ghost. An empty shell of a person. I feel completely gutted.

I don't believe time will heal this kind of pain. I feel like I was given this beautiful gift.... and it was just ripped out of my hands.

I can't stop looking at our pictures. The depth of this bond and connection was captured so beautifully in many.

The angel wings I ordered weeks ago from our favorite Scottish artist, Sally Bruce Richards (https://www.sallybrucerichards.com/home), came last night. Interesting timing. Perhaps that was a sign.

I keep looking for signs. Hoping for them. I don't know if it's because things are so fresh or maybe you're still transitioning, I don't know how that works.... but I'm dying to hear more from you, Chip. Please send me something....please.