His eyes filled with blood again.

Caution: vulnerable post. These are not "pity" posts. Writing is how I process and navigate emotion, and it's always my hope any of it reaches someone it may speak to, so.... update on Chip.

Chip's eyes filled with blood again yesterday and he completely lost his sight. I gave him the eye drops from our trip to the ER, and his CBD/THC - and the blood receded after a night's sleep, his eyesight restored this morning.

I understand I "shouldn't" think this way, as it doesn't help, better, or change anything, but I'm angry. And I'm in deep pain. I'm grieving his loss even though he's still with me. I did everything right. No vax since his youth. No flea/tick preventatives. No heartworm preventatives. Clean, physiologically appropriate food. Filtered water. No chemical home cleaners. Lots of fresh air and Nature every day. Daily exercise. Mental work.... the only thing left are any questionable genetics he brought to the table and the fact that the rescue he came from neutered him at 13 weeks of age. Ridiculously, ridiculously early, and long before his reproductive system had finished developing (this is one of the leading causes of canine cancer).

I didn't sleep at all last night. I went to bed at 8 pm because I couldn't handle the physical and emotional pain. I wanted to try and escape it. Wake up in the morning to, possibly, a better, different day. I was able to drift off for about an hour, then woke up to Todd and his restless dementia. Considerably active and restless last night.

I'm really, really struggling to handle all of this. I also think I developed an ulcer...when he lost his eyesight, I started having stabbing pain in my stomach that didn't go away until this morning (though still there in a lesser degree). I cannot. stop. crying. And I feel guilty for not being "stronger". I feel guilty for not keeping my shit together for him, and for my existing dogs. I'm a "strong" woman, but I, literally, am not strong enough to handle this. These dogs are my family.

On a cerebral and spiritual note, I get it. I "should" be celebrating all he's meant to me. Thinking of all the beautiful moments we've shared. The beautiful memories we created together. All the joy he's brought to my life. All the joy he just always was/is. Chip was/is the embodiment of joy. He was/is pure light... and he brought this with him wherever he went, whatever he did. Especially when it came to learning, doing, working, performing. He LIT UP in those moments and was in his bliss.

I cannot think of him in past tense. I just can't.

He was always somewhere around me. Always. And I know he will continue to be in different form, but the human part of me wants him here in this form. In this way.

He's resting peacefully on the dog bed on the floor right now.

My fear is what's been happening is just a juvenile precursor to something more major ... and I don't want him to suffer any more than he already has, although the events took place a few weeks apart.

This is why it always triggers me when people refer to dogs as an "it", "pet", or say, "... it's just a dog." No. They're so much more than this. They're teachers. Reminders. Redirectors. Mirrors. Confidants. The most devoted of friends. And family. If you've read "My Dog, My Buddha" and it resonated with you, then you get it.

I understand this is a part of "life"; but I've got so much damn resistance to it. I'm fighting it hard, and also suffering greatly for it (which I also understand is an option). I don't want to suffer. I don't want him to suffer. And the more I fight, the more we all suffer. Perhaps the lesson is just to "let go and let God". To accept and surrender. And perhaps this is one of the many lessons he is/was here to teach me.......

(the pictures of the little boy with Chip is one of our Mini Pack Leaders in Training, Brian, whom Chip shared a particularly special bond with. One picture was taken years ago, the other taken yesterday when Chip lost his sight but still wanted to join us on the pack walk. Brian walked him with us so Chip could have special focus and attention the entire time)