Bittersweet.

Going back through all of these pictures...wow. It's so bittersweet.

You know, it's amazing to see the evolution of things in terms of what I'd do and not do today, as opposed to then. Many of these pictures are a reflection of all I've learned since our earlier days and how I've evolved in understanding/ awareness/knowledge. My journey in transitioning from a "dog lover" to a "dog understander-er", and all I was learning beside and through you all. The shift in understanding around what "obedience training" actually is, what "behavioral conditioning and shaping" actually entails... and what "compliance" is REALLY connected to. Man. What a journey it's been. My choice of collars and harnesses, and my thinking / reasoning behind them. Dogs wearing collars in the home (now they're naked and only wear collars when outside the house; studies have shown that dogs who wear collars 24/7 have a higher risk of having thyroid issues). Cloth, rope, and plastic toys and chews (hard "no" on that). Rawhides (**le gasp**).

Not only do I miss you more than words can say, my precious little chocolate Chip... but I really miss these days. Our adventures. All the miles we trekked and the countless hours we spent absorbed in Nature.

I'm becoming *hyper* aware of how fleeting and precious "time" really is. The gift (.... and I mean that... the GIFT) of each and every moment. It seems that the older I've gotten, the faster the hands on the clock spin round and round. Seriously... where has all this time gone?!

11 years with you feels like 11 minutes now, Chip.

You taught Franklin well, btw. He patiently waits for Raiyna to finish licking her bowl and walk away before he makes a beeline to it. He's carrying on your "No Crumb Left Behind" tradition (as well as your "No Dried Worm Left Behind" on the walk tradition).

I still can't believe you're not here any longer. This is so unbelievably surreal. F*cking, f*cking surreal. I'm sad. I'm angry. I feel completely undone. Our beautiful life is unraveling. Our tight-knit family is breaking apart. I don't want you to just be a memory. I don't want to just see you in pictures and in my mind's eye. My spiritual side and my humanity are at constant odds with each other. This level of pain is unlike any I've known to date, and I've had a lot of deep pain in life. This is just.... a much different shade of it.

I'm glad I do have so many pictures of us. Of our adventures together. We had so many heart-filling, soul-filling times, my sweet boy. Times I'll forever deeply treasure.

It's hard to know that Levi (your age, 11), Todd (16), and Raiyna (14) aren't far behind you. Gut-wrenching, in fact.

I'm sure something beautiful will come out of all this pain, as I know pain adds a level of depth to our being-ness... hardship and struggle add a level of "experiential wisdom", confidence, resilience, courage, and strength.... and "being without" adds a level of compassion and gratitude when we experience "being with"..... I know the depth of all this can't be obtained or felt when things are always easy, comfortable, and handed to us. But *damn* does this hurt. The pain is indescribable... and unbearable.

We all miss you, Chip. Our "home" misses you. Our little family misses you. The neighborhood misses you. LIFE misses you.