30 Days.

Today marks one whole month since you left us, Chip.

30 days.

I was laying in my acupuncture appt. earlier this afternoon. I've been going more frequently since you passed to help with the grief and anxiety. I was calm. Quiet. Still. Needles were everywhere... then I burst into tears. They wouldn't stop coming. And they've been coming on and off since.

I was talking to you... asking you where you were... how you were... if I would see you again... hear from you again... to be honest, I'm surprised I haven't seen or heard more from you. This hurts my heart. We were so deeply bonded.

I asked (if we're being honest, was more like "tearfully begged") for you to send me a sign. Something. Anything that would clearly let me know you hear me. That you're still with me.... or even aware of me.

I came home, walked the pack, turned on "Friends", and sat down to process all the emotion and write this out. The episode where Monica gets asked out by Rachel's old high school boyfriend, "Chip", comes on. The name being repeated throughout the entire episode. The next episode mentions "twinkle toes", which I always said you had. I called them "Chippie toes".

I needed that. Thank you, Chip.

This is so hard. Getting used to life without you.

Getting used to coming home without hearing you sound the alarm.

Getting used to preparing 4 food bowls instead of 5.

Getting used to leashing up 3 dogs for the pack walks and not 4 (as you know, and sadly, Todd hasn't been able to come for months now).

Getting used to journaling and reading in bed at night... preparing for sleep... without you right next to me.

Getting used to doing anything...without you right next to me.

You know when someone special has moved into your heart and taken up permananet residency when they pack up and leave... and you can't remember what life was like before them...and you certainly can't imagine life with them gone. This is my reality right now.

I found an old picture of you with your foster dad and the Rescue Road Trips guy taken in MS ... when you were on your way to us years ago. I was so excited to meet you and welcome you in into our little furmily.

This just hurts so bad. Still. And I don't know if it'll ever get better.

Hazel also went home this morning. It was wonderful having a puppy in the home again... a lot of hard work, yes- but she lifted the spirit and energy of all of us. Of our home. Your brothers, your sister, and me.

I can't believe it's been 30 days. 30 days since I last held you. Since I last kissed you and told you how much I loved you. Since I last woke up with you at my side. Since... everything.

One month. I miss you. Your brothers and sister miss you. Our home misses you. The world misses you.